Christmas has come and gone already. I went to Joseph's parent's house this year. It was very low key- laid back and quiet- which was nice; but also a bit strange as I'm not accustomed to that. We stayed there from Monday until the following Monday. (For future reference, Christmas was on the Thursday) I had lots of University work due in straight after New Year so relaxing mentally was out of the question. However on the positive side, I have enjoyed the alarm-less mornings and occasional lie in when I allow myself. [Side note: A lie in is usually defined as anything after 10am.]
Mum
Joseph and I will be travelling back to my Nan's house in Dorset on 29th December and staying until 7th January. Some of you will know that the 29th December is the anniversary of my dear mother's death. I think travelling on that day will take my mind off what day it is. I usually allow myself to feel sad or generally a bit down on that day and then I try to move on the next day by looking forward to a new year coming. As I haven't had a mother for 19 years, I don't really find it emotionally challenging anymore. Only the odd occasion like her birthday, anniversary or Christmas or if something poignant or memorable happens. If she had died in my teens or early 20's, things would be significantly different because there would be something to miss: Her touch; Her hugs; Her love; Her voice etc but it's been so long since I've experienced those things that they're a lot harder to miss. It often occurs to me that I wouldn't recognise my own mother's voice if I heard it in the street.
I think there isn't anything comprehensive enough to say about grief. People have asked me in the past what it's like to not have a mother. Thats a hard question to answer because I feel almost numb to the pain of having to live without her I guess. It's a strange feeling. How can you miss something if you haven't really experienced it? Someone once described the feeling as "a mum shaped hole in your heart" and I think that's true. Day to day I don't yearn for her, it is easy to wake up without feeling the mother-shaped-hole. It might sound harsh to say but I think that is because I have been conditioned to it after almost 20 years.
A mother once told me she only gives her infant daughter water to drink because she doesn't know what squash (e.g. Fruit Shoot) tastes like so she won't miss it. It instantly made me think of my bereavement journey. The longer that little girl goes without squash, the less she'll think about having squash or get a yearning feeling to have it. She'll always see other children drinking Fruit Shoots and then she might wonder what it's like but day to day, it probably won't cross her mind. I'm sure you get the point I'm making now?!
As I only experienced her love for the first almost-six years of my life, I also find it strange when people talk about mothering around me. When we visit Joe's parents and his mother tries to do things for me, I can't help but reject it. When I ask nicely, "why are you doing stuff for me? I don't mind doing it" (washing up, washing my clothes, moving my towel from the radiator). The response I get to my questions are "that's what mothers do" and all I can think is "oh, is it?"; His dad would sometimes say to me "it's called mothering!" I know they didn't realise what they were saying but still its upsetting to know I'll never know what that 'mothering' feels like by the woman that's supposed to do it. Even though I have a fantastic, caring Nan that has done a lot for me. I still don't expect it.
I also get the impression that in the nuclear family, the mother is the best one. I often hear men say "I'm not buying presents this year but I'll buy mum something"and fathers often say "ask your mother" so sometimes it feels like I'm missing out on the best family member. This is the reason why I also get scared about having children myself one day because they won't have a mother either and I of all people know that children need a mother but I am also proof that it's possible to live without one and still have a happy life. After all, I still had female role models and people to care for my emotional needs. I know our future children will be loved and have two parents who care for them so it's not exactly the same but I'm sure you know what I mean, right? I feel like a hypocrite for saying how weird and hard it is without a mother, yet I/we will be giving our children the same life but without the sadness of bereavement and loss to spoil a happy childhood.Will they look at other families and think they are missing out on something?
I think there isn't anything comprehensive enough to say about grief. People have asked me in the past what it's like to not have a mother. Thats a hard question to answer because I feel almost numb to the pain of having to live without her I guess. It's a strange feeling. How can you miss something if you haven't really experienced it? Someone once described the feeling as "a mum shaped hole in your heart" and I think that's true. Day to day I don't yearn for her, it is easy to wake up without feeling the mother-shaped-hole. It might sound harsh to say but I think that is because I have been conditioned to it after almost 20 years.
A mother once told me she only gives her infant daughter water to drink because she doesn't know what squash (e.g. Fruit Shoot) tastes like so she won't miss it. It instantly made me think of my bereavement journey. The longer that little girl goes without squash, the less she'll think about having squash or get a yearning feeling to have it. She'll always see other children drinking Fruit Shoots and then she might wonder what it's like but day to day, it probably won't cross her mind. I'm sure you get the point I'm making now?!
As I only experienced her love for the first almost-six years of my life, I also find it strange when people talk about mothering around me. When we visit Joe's parents and his mother tries to do things for me, I can't help but reject it. When I ask nicely, "why are you doing stuff for me? I don't mind doing it" (washing up, washing my clothes, moving my towel from the radiator). The response I get to my questions are "that's what mothers do" and all I can think is "oh, is it?"; His dad would sometimes say to me "it's called mothering!" I know they didn't realise what they were saying but still its upsetting to know I'll never know what that 'mothering' feels like by the woman that's supposed to do it. Even though I have a fantastic, caring Nan that has done a lot for me. I still don't expect it.
I also get the impression that in the nuclear family, the mother is the best one. I often hear men say "I'm not buying presents this year but I'll buy mum something"and fathers often say "ask your mother" so sometimes it feels like I'm missing out on the best family member. This is the reason why I also get scared about having children myself one day because they won't have a mother either and I of all people know that children need a mother but I am also proof that it's possible to live without one and still have a happy life. After all, I still had female role models and people to care for my emotional needs. I know our future children will be loved and have two parents who care for them so it's not exactly the same but I'm sure you know what I mean, right? I feel like a hypocrite for saying how weird and hard it is without a mother, yet I/we will be giving our children the same life but without the sadness of bereavement and loss to spoil a happy childhood.Will they look at other families and think they are missing out on something?
I will always love my mum but being able to produce an unforced feeling of missing her is getting hard. As my sister and I are getting older, I can only think of what she is missing now. My dad remarried (January update- they have very recently separated) but I get sad for him and obviously those significant times in our lives when something memorable happens. I'll be graduating next year and hopefully getting married one day and then having children. Our mum will miss out on all that. I know people say she's always watching on me from up in Heaven but I don't particularly believe that anymore but if I did believe that, she still won't be here actually experiencing those things. Without sounding aggressive, it's good for her if she gets to watch me but I can't see her, I don't feel her here or know she's here so what comfort is that supposed to give me? Long story short- don't say it please.
On a lighter note away from the darkness of talking about death and grief.
On a lighter note away from the darkness of talking about death and grief.
As I am in my third year at University, the next term is going to be diabolically stressfully which I am not looking forward to. I am currently thinking that I would enjoy teaching Childcare and Education or Early Years Developement in further education (GCSE/A Level) but I am taking a year out after graduation to get more experience as an Early Years Practitioner. Teaching FE (14-19- SCARY!) was an option I hadn't even thought of but suddenly an option I was/am interested in pursuing. I had 3 interviews offered to me just before Christmas but I just did not feel ready, educationally (do I really know enough to teach A Level when 3 years ago I was Level 2 qualified but working in The Ccooperative Food?!)
My new plan for the future is to work in a nursery part time in a managerial role and teach FE part time.
Let me know what you think of this everyone. I would be interested to find out people's thoughts on it. Not really for guidance but more encouragement than anything else hahaha
New Years Resolution
I've been asked by a couple of people during general chit chat what my resolutions are. I'm not usually a believer in all that stuff. In my opinion, changing old habits and making a fresh start can happen at anytime. Not just January the first. Apart from the obligatory "eat healthier" and "exercise more" kind of goals (which we all know only lasts a few weeks) I want to make three realistic ones.
1. Work harder at Uni
2. Have more fun (I'm too grown-up and uptight for my own good), I need to relax about enjoying myself.
3. Be happier with the way I look- to help me do that I have gone back to having long-ish blond hair, which I am loving.
That's it folks! The next time I will be writing a blog will be after 7th May- my last day as a student at Plymouth University. I will be graduating in September. Thanks for reading! 😀
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